Godzilla Gits Gone Wild/Yet More Things Hollywood Has Taught Us
In the event you missed the updates on CNN and Duck Dynasty, I have been co-writing a book akin to a supersized version of M-O-M, albeit concentrating solely on horror and sci-fi films. As such, I've done my share of bouncing around internet fan forums. Conclusion: A lot--A WHOLE LOT--of people need to discover the soothing effect of large quantities of cold beer, the only screen in front of them being the one projecting something to get lost in above the bartender's head.
Oh, and here's a personal message to the worst of the lot: YOU ARE NOT RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. GROW UP.
Anyway, I decided to devote a portion of this column to Godzilla Vs. The Cosmic Monster. Not the mopic itself, but an excerpt from the book manuscript, illustrating how plum loco some suckas are, the following concerning the intensely contentious debate over the name of a monster appearing in Godz/Coz a combined total of something like nine minutes. When reading the excerpt, bear in mind that these same people can purchase firearms and vote. In other words, we're all doooooooomed!
One such instance involved the fellow we continue to call King Seesar. Little did we initially know this was a subject of heated debate--and even them's-fighting-words personal insults--among the online Godzillaphile community.
<--Wow, "all new" AND "never seen before"!
The first "rectification" we encountered was one that referred to the monster as "Shisa," this allegedly a Japanese (Okinawan is accurate) word for "lion-dog" and thus fitting the creature's physical description. Only problem was, later in the article, the spelling "Shisha" was also used; and when we looked for a definition of the latter, web encyclopedias informed us "Shisha" is akin to "hookah," the water pipe popular for smoking hashish! That may have made sense as an inside joke in Blood Freak, but it didn't quite cut it here.
Delving deeper into the mystery, we discovered said hornets' nest. Most debates started out civilly, with one hardcore fan politely "correcting" others. Often, the formality was soon dropped in favor of vigorous and inflexible insistence by opposing sides, all obstinately claiming to be the absolute nobody-knows-more-than-I authority on the subject. This further intensified to testy "Look, pal, my aunt's stepbrother worked in the dubbing room"/"Is that so? I happen to know the screenwriters babysitter, and I say…" types of exchanges, working their way up to the equivalent of "Oh, yeah? Well, my grandmother can beat up your grandmother," straight out of some emotionally-in-sixth-grade playground.
Yes, these winners were within inches of challenging each other to flamethrower duels at sunrise over the name of a freakin "support monster." Not over the IDs of whom stood on the grassy knoll when JFK was shot or the validity of Darwinism; not over which came first, the chicken or God, but the last name of a character with a small role in a B-movie...and who never actually existed!!!
God save the King...regardless of his surname-->
Adding further to the festivities was the faction adamant that the galoot was King Caesar, laying down a convincing argument about the creature's majesty and its relation to the more famous Caesar, he of the Roman nose. Seemed a feasible possibility--except, to our ears, the word coming out of the speakers did not particularly sound all that much like "Caesar."
And just to sweeten the icing on the pot, another positively convinced online poster had inarguable "proof" Godzilla's goomba should be referred to as--drunk roll, please--King Seesar. "But, wait, there's more": searching "King Seesar" or "King Shisa" on Wikipedia automatically redirects one to "King Caesar". Thank you, online community of "experts," you've been a tremendous help.
We lost track of how we came up with Seesar in the first place, YEARS before learning of this headbutting amongst the overheated buttheads. But, until we get a letter signed by the King himself and telling us otherwise, we are sticking with what brung us to the dance. After all, one of us was briefly involved with the ex of the guy who packed the UPS truck that brought the video to the store, so we MUST be correct.
Because there's some space left and not enough of these to constitute the full-page treatment, Lards and Lazies, er, Lords and Ladies, here is another batch of life lessons from Tinseltown, as previously featured in Even More Things Hollywood Has Taught Us and the related links on that page.
*They may have multiple arms or tentacles; one or numerous eyes; and even two or three heads; but, oddly enough, monsters never have three legs.
*The average benevolent space being is between 147 and 408 years of age, though, by Earth standards, he looks a mere fraction of that.
*Alcoholic beverages are served upon small napkins, perfect for noting the phone number of attractive members of the opposite sex. Hapless single guys will later discover either moisture caused the digits to be unintelligible or that he forgot to make note of the woman's name.
*Newspapers rapidly spin then abruptly halt in a perfectly horizontal position, each issue featuring a dramatic banner headline.
*The lawyer who seems like a klutzy ditz is in actuality extremely clever, his unorthodox strategies raising many valid legal points...after hes done fumbling around for his notes on the subject, that is.
*There are no middle-class Britons. Theyre either the overly mannered cricket set who own a manor called Chesteshire House, or fun-loving yobs "what will spend the night 'avin' a pint or three down the poob with me mates."
*After a nuclear apocalypse, all citizens will start dressing like (Iron Maiden singer) Rob Halford, as studded leather gear will be in great abundance among the rubble rummaged through in search of clothing.
*Run three blocks in any direction during an urban-area chase, and you'll come upon a very high locked metal-bar fence that must be climbed.
*Youthful New York hoodlums have the ability to effortlessly leap from the roof of one five-story building to the next--and the 30-something detectives pursuing them always follow suit.
*Mobile homes are only sold to poorly educated Caucasians (90% couples) who can always afford beer but never a collared shirt.
*There are few things more endearing than an earnest but unsophisticated man stumbling over the foreign-language menu words upon taking a worldly date to an upscale restaurant.
*There are few things more embarrassing than a yahoo gleefully slaughtering the foreign-language menu words upon accompanying an acquaintance to an upscale restaurant.
<--"I'd like some of them thar whores de ovaries, please."
*Adulterous men will leave either their paramour's contact info on a slip of paper within clothes to be laundered, or panties in the glove compartment--anywhere Wifey can eventually find it.
*Awkward, young, male, drinking too much while hoping to hook up? By all means, get falling-down drunk! Then, an amused cute girl will guide your staggering carcass to a bedroom, tuck you in and maybe even strip you down in the process.
*A party at poolside? Somebody is involuntarily taking a dip.
*A defibulator NEVER revives a patient on the first attempt. "Clear!"
*"Don't ask, don't tell" what? There aren't any gays in the US armed forces nor have there ever been!
*Can't find a game teenager for no-commitment sex? Go to college--those guys are always getting action! (Even the dorks and dweebs...eventually.)
*Charge right into that newly discovered mummys tomb, smirking at the very notion of a curse--despite the fact every single archeologist who ever disturbed such a crypt died shortly thereafter.
*Eighty-four percent of all resurrected mummies are revived in a location that happens to be the home of a pretty girl who looks EXACTLY like the princess Bandage Boy loved millennia ago and thousands of miles away.
*There are no natural organic foods on most other planets and no meat on any. The natives subsist on either food pills or synthetic pastes of various colors.
*Elderly whites and blacks can be grumpy, feisty, hard-of-hearing and senile, but older Asians are overflowing with wisdom and ancient philosophies, even if they were raised in Schenectady.
*Before leaving, a murderer should superglue the victims door mechanism in the unlatched position so that it will easily swing open with the slightest of knocks by an investigator.
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