"Blah Blah Blah won an Academy Award.  That's a sign of superiority over the competition."

Well, yeah...IF YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

Sure, anyone can simply say "The Academy/Golden Globe/MTV/Grammy Awards are a joke," noting, for example, how Alfred Hitchcock's career batting average in the Oscar League was a frosty .000.  

Secondly, it is common knowledge and common sense that you'd be foolhardy to, instead of forming your own opinions, put stock in those not posited by Stately Wayne Manor.

With that in mind, your King Of Columnists will now provide objective scientific proof of the Academy's shortcomings, pitting Oscar winners directly up against far-more-deserving efforts.

Fear not.  This isn't yet another poorly researched "Top 10 Oscar Winners Who…." click-bait cavalcade or any similar hustle.  As always, Manor On Movies adheres to the academic, unswayed-by-sponsorship approach and maintains the highest standards of journalism the law will allow.  (Your results may vary.)

You'll find no cheap stunts to inspire scrawling on this classy site.

What's in a name?

Klute--What the hell is a klute?  A combination kite and flute?   A smelly dish the foreign family down the street considers a delicacy but looks like someone mixed motor oil with oatmeal?  A tool for taking furniture dents out of carpets?

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies--No need to guess what this ones all about.  Clearly auteur Cash Flagg--who helmed poignant dramas such as The Hollywood Strangler Meets The Skid Row Slasher and Rat Pfink A Boo Boo--cared more about consumer awareness than Warner Brothers, the studio behind Klute.

Furthermore, the multi-talented Flagg served as director, leading man and co-producer, jobs filled by three individuals on the lowly Klute, mathematically substantiating Incredibly Strange is thrice as good as the Warner time-waster. 

<--Cash (right) comes in out of the money with the Academy

On a related note...

Truth in advertising

To Kill A Mockingbird--Not one mockingbird even gets its feathers ruffled, let alone killed.  Blatant false advertising for which a class action suit is long overdue.

Godzilla vs The Cosmic Monster--Ticket-buyers not only got the titular matchup, but theres also a special guest appearance by two other monsters--and a scientists tobacco pipe saves the world.  Suck on that, Mr. Surgeon General!

Whats it all about, Alphonse?

2001: A Space Odyssey--Okay, Snooty O'Snootingham who uses "cinema" when "flicks" will do and clings to the laughable notion films are better seen in a theater than at a drive-in:  In ten words or less, explain what transpires in 2001. 

Can't do it, can you, smarty-Dockers?

Confirming this column is completely lacking in bias and is a masterwork of objectivity, I will randomly select a film previously namedropped in Manor On Movies and put it through the same arduous test.

"Hookers in Hollywood kill people by using chainsaws, Jack."

Nailed it, indisputable evidence Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is more Oscar-worthy than the spaced-out space opera from that Stanley Cooper guy.

Slyness

Rocky--Filmed in the City Of Brotherly Shove, yet they had the unbridled audacity to not devote 45 minutes to praising me or even once display the commemorative platinum plaque affixed to the facade o f my birthplace in South Philly.  Outrageous!

Oscar--Guilt-ridden Sylvester Stallone partially redeemed himself for the shameful jealousy-driven "oversight" cited above by starring in this side-splitting comedy, worthy of comparison to the finest work of Buster Chaplin and Charlie Keaton.  And even though the globally revered yuckfest calls itself Oscar, the Academy snobs didn't give it one stinkin' nomination.  (almost as) Outrageous!

King me

Titanic--Shrugging off a bunch of  TV shows and movies already produced about the ship and its fate, Leonardo D. Caprio and some chick board it anyway. What a couple of idiots.  Lenny claims he's "king of the world" then drowns.  For this, Titanic gets fourteen--FOURTEEN--Oscar nominations, winning eleven...albeit many of them for dumb categories nobody really cares about, like Film and Sound Editing and Costume Design.

Fear Chamber--Starring Boris freaking Karloff and including a character who twice claims to be "king of the world"--29 years before the line was disgracefully stolen for the tale of the Iceberg Express.

<--The true King Of The World (gent on left)

Chamber was co-directed by Jack Hill, who discovered Pam Grier, an accomplishment which in and of itself warrants him being awarded an Oscar every year.  Yet FC came away with zero, zip, zilch.

Everybody sing

Speaking of doomed ships, The Poseidon Adventure was inflicted upon the public in 1972, and with it came Maureen McGovern's torturous tune "The Morning After," further punishing discerning listeners by becoming a #1 radio hit, proving the general public has as little taste as the Academy.

Yep, you guessed it.  This aural enema copped the '72 Oscar, destroying the ozone layer with insipid lyrics such as "If we can hold on through the night/We have a chance to find the sunshine/Let's keep on looking for the light."

I think I'm going to vomit!

True to form, the rousing rocker that is the Green Slime theme was completely ignored come Oscar time, as was every other facet of the stimulating film.

Check out this far-superior sample verse.  "What can it be, what is the reason?/Is this the end of all that breathes, and/Is it something in your head?/Will you believe it when you're dead?"  [full version can be savored here]

The thought-provoking Green Slime anthem being shunned while sonic sewage like "Morning After" gets lauded cruelly illustrates just how unfair the world truly is.  And if you're disagreeing with me at this moment, will you believe it when you're dead?

Kiss this, Kate

Snooty overbearing adulteress Katherine Hepburn has snared four Best Actress trophies, even though the bulk of her output was in quickly forgotten dross.

Conversely, dynamic Dixie Peabody was in the pulse-pounding thrillers Bury Me An Angel and Night Call Nurses; and ravishing Regina Carroll left viewers spellbound in the compelling Blazing Stewardesses and Satan's Sadists.

Bountiful Rita Bennett slummed in All That Jazz and Raging Bull late in her career, but lit up the screen in the highly influential The Diary Of Knockers McCalla in earlier years.

Swedish stunner Uschi Digard has 129 credits to Hepburns paltry 53, including the game-changing Runaway Hormones, Can I Do It Until I Need Glasses? and Truck Stop Women.  And believe me, NOBODY would have preferred Kate in place of Uschi in Breast Orgy and Breast Orgy 2.  Ewwwwwww.

Four dedicated thespians who brought an unmatched presence to their challenging roles...and, surprise, Oscar turned his back on all of them, rewarding haggy Hepburn.

An impassioned plea

Please join me in insisting the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences immediately issue a heartfelt apology to the quartet, presenting each five Oscars in belated compensation, even though Miss Peabody only graced the silver screen in three films.

Studies conducted by a major university verify that the delightful Ms. Digard's groundbreaking work in such acclaimed efforts as The Dicktator, The Pimp Primer, Coed Dorm and Ilsa, Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks opened the doors for women to finally get meaningful roles until they turn 30.

Uschi oozes-->

I emphatically urge Academy darlings Merle Streep and Cate Blanchett to publicly thank Rita Bennett for demonstrating a girl can begin her career playing a hooker--as Rita did in the feel-good release of 1966, Prostitutes Protective Society--and advance all the way to roles as a stripper, which the lovely lady did in her swansongs, Jazz (1979) and Bull (1980)...both of which did win Oscars.